Household tips for working gals: Episode I – The Holidays (Draft for perusal)

Camera #1 fade back from twinkling Christmas tree holiday decorations to long shot of Steph longshot of actor playing Steph / Candice Bergen our Celebrity Host sitting by a roaring fire sipping mulled wine.

Celebrity Host: (In a soft, somewhat sultry, welcoming tone) Hello there. I’m so glad you’ve tuned in to my new insightful programme. What a wonderful way to savour the comfort and joy of this special season.

Camera #2 close up – the Host seems to be relaxed and ready for the show, but there is something disheveled about her – as if she’s just run in from the rain and has not had quite enough time to review the script. She smiles and continues. Some muffled arguing heard offstage.

C.H.: The Holidays can be particularly rough on the working gal. Responsibilities loom. Your work is your priority, but you must pay attention to friends and family at this time of year. Remember ladies, your home is your sanctuary and it is the one place you can have some semblance of control, peace, and quite.

Camera 1 inadvertently catches one of the shiny bobbles drop off of the holiday garland. Muted kafuffle continues offstage.

C.H.: On today’s show we will be talking about how to cope with the busy holiday season while remaining calm and orderly in your own home, however humble it may be.

Camera 3 Panning shot of spectacular decorated tree in foyer of an opulent penthouse lobby overlooking the lights of Toronto harbour.

C.H.: Tip #1: Let’s be realistic about your holiday goals. When you are working a 12-hour day you just don’t have time to do any baking. But what could replace that hypnotic, old fashioned fragrance of gingerbread snaps, Christmas cake soaked in rum, almond cookies and trifle. Here’s a solution. Take a pot of water and heat it up on the stove. Add generous amounts of my “Holiday Memories Scent Product” available at all quality stores. Just let that simmer on the stovetop and it will fill your apartment with holiday odour you’ve been missing.

Camera 2 Close up on product – cut to shot of the dreadful concoction boiling over on the stove.

C.H.:  Have people over for some holiday drinks. But it is forbidden to apologize for your messy home. Do not let the words “sorry the place is so messy” slip from your lips! If your friends truly want to be with you they will not care that the place is less than perfect. Enjoy their company and give yourself permission to be imperfect.

Camera 1: The friends arrive in artistic attire and admire the tidy room and its accoutrements.

C.H.:  [aside] Realistically though – if your mother is coming over tidy up for heaven’s sake! Here’s one of our secrets. Devote one room in the house for total chaos. Transfer everything into there and then close the door and by no means open it! In that room all your dirty laundry, excess books, newspapers, mail, kitty litter, etc. will reside quite happily until the New Year.

Fade to holiday music ( “Why does the Wookie celebrate Hanukah” Star Wars holiday theme, if we can get the rights…)